Ok, so I've vented to my new friends on 2ofus4now.org (the yahoo group) and I've decided it is time to really put it out there. My family may totally hate me for saying all of this but I am VERY frustrated about my "infertility" issues. There are some people that when I talk to them about trying to conceive they really lean hard on the fact that I haven't undergone ALL of the damned testing that would actually LABEL me INFERTILE. They are right. I haven't. I don't have the money or the emotional stamina to undergo such pain!! I get really frustrated when someone I love and is supposed to love me says to me that I won't ever understand what someone else in my family is feeling about her infertility, and never mentions at ALL about how I might POSSIBLY feel about my own. I am frustrated beyond belief that my family doesn't communicate well about our infertility. ALL three of us sisters have issues. I'm the ONLY one who hasn't been tortured by a doctor yet. I ovulate just fine as far as my current doc can tell. My husband checks out just fine (which was not a surprise to me or him in the slightest). And we have one beautiful little girl. We've thought for years that the Lord knows what He's doing and we are obviously meant to not have one more at this moment and for whatever good reason He has, we're sure it is good. We'll I'm sick of waiting I want to know why I'm being left out of the baby drop. Why I get this path to trod. Why??????!!!!! It seems like everyone around me has a great time at getting pregnant. If it isn't easy as pie, give her chlomid and BOOM there is twins. Well, that won't work for me. I don't know what will and I'm really tired of waiting. I should be grateful some will say when they read my rantings, but oh, I am grateful, for what I HAVE. I just want more!! I watch my friend Karen's children and for the first time in YEARS I'm happy about having other children around. Other people's kids used to bug me so bad!!! I didn't babysit much growing up because I really didn't like kids that much. It is so different now. I don't understand the change that has taken place in my heart, but I love them!! I love watching Amy's kids too!! And I hope the Lord forgives me for this but I'm just not ready to love someone else's children only when they are dropped off at my home. I want my own.
I have the best Visiting Teachers ever right now and they are fasting with me on Sunday this week for a huge list of things. Only a few of them have been breezed over here in this little rant. They are so awesome and I'm so grateful for them. One of the thing is definitely that my heart will be softened and that I'll have some measure of understanding and patience again. Which I dearly need!! And oh, there are just so many negative feelings I have that I want to throw up them all on paper and get them out. I'm quite angry. I'm going to get on my treadmill, it is a little late in my morning to do it, but I think i really need a good 5 miler right now. Wish I could go and run outside, but Elise is still sleeping, and that would be totally wrong of me to just leave her here unattended!
I hope I didn't offend anyone here either. Please keep in mind, I'm frustrated. Oh, and I'm scheduled to start my period on my 28th birthday next week. So if you call and I'm really super ornery. That is exactly why. I probably have cramps and I'm bloated and don't have enough chocolate in the house and I am extremely full of emotions, so maybe don't call. Call on Friday, I should be better by then. Oh, and Mike will be out of town all week starting Monday and we don't know when he'll be back.
4 comments:
Hi, thanks for commenting on my blog (it's the one about raising a dog in love an yada yada yada) hiltonherd is my regular blog that my family and fertile friends look at because of the lack of understanding I have received when I talk about infertility. So I just do my own infertility blog and the only people that know about it are the ones from 2ofusfornow. So I definitely understand in some ways how hard it is when your family just doesn't get it. I think secondary infertility would be really hard because people don't realize how hard it is. You should be able to vent as much as you want on your own blog. One thing I have learned through all this infertility stuff is that you gotta take care of yourself because no one else will. Eat cake, go shopping for yourself, buy something thats not on sale your worth it! Anyway I am going to keep up with your blog for sure!! Feel better!
Meka
The timing of turning on my computer right now was so amazing. Thank YOU for commenting on my blog too!! When I was reading what you wrote, a song came on (i listen to pandora music through msn while I am alone!!) it was Everything'll Be Alright by Joshua Radin. Never heard of him before, but that song and what you said got to me and my little cold heart! lol. I'll keep in touch with you too. Thanks for listening!!
I'm very sorry about your situation! When I was trying for my first it took about a year of trying 4 months of which were assisted by infertility medicine to get pregnant. That was hard. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I am so sorry for you.
I agree with the previous comment and I say vent as much as you want. You should have somewhere that you can be totally honest and open about your feelings.
I am sorry that you are having trouble with your family understanding. I am sure that makes it a lot harder. But I am glad that you have found a little bit of a "support group" with the 2ofusfornow.
Good luck with everything. I will keep you in my prayers.
YESSS! I love your fight, your fire, your guts! You know your in my thoughts and prayers and until the day you hold your new baby I say VENT, SCREAM, CRY and do what YOU need to do to stay sane. Love you man!!!
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